


I'll Break My Own Heart

by xxsilverlist



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, Eventual Happiness, First Love, Friendship/Love, Future Fic, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Maybe comfort, Multi, Set After Season 3, Time Jump, dealing with FEELINGS, firefam - Freeform, im going through it atm, yall im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25000702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxsilverlist/pseuds/xxsilverlist
Summary: Four years is a long time to love someone, give someone your everything.In the end does it matter, if you fall out of love with that person?Or in which everything is at its breaking point and Buck must decide what to do.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 22
Kudos: 126





	I'll Break My Own Heart

**Author's Note:**

> sooo.... I wrote this a while back to deal with my own personal breakup earlier this year. Im basically self reflecting my own emotions lmao. Idk. Obviously the ending is much more happier than what happened irl but *shrugs* I hope you enjoy or find some comfort in the angst, bc breakups suck.

Four years is a long time to love someone.

It’s a long time to get used to the idea that you can build a life with them; have kids, buy a house, the whole ten yards. To adopt a bunch of pets and travel the world with the person who means the most to you; to have your cake and eat it too.

Four years is a long time to experience heartbreak so often that when the day comes to finally leave, you feel nothing.

And _oh_ , how you love them, you love them with your entire being for those four years that you think its enough to fix whatever is wrong but it can’t. It won’t ever fix all the bad things that happened in four years. No matter how hard you cross your fingers, squint your eyes, and wish at the stars.

Because if you really think about it, maybe the relationship should’ve ended a few years back. Back when your friends still gave a damn and told you that he was up to no good. Maybe you should’ve left back when he first left you; ghosted you for a whole week because you dared to bare your soul to the one person you thought got you.

There are some wounds that cut too deep.

Maybe you stayed because it felt right, I mean there were more good days than bad; right? He was your best friend first and you didn’t need anyone else, it wasn’t their right plus your mother always said to try and make things work.

You forget that your parents aren’t best role models.

You love this person with your entire being for four long, painful years and you think this it. You can’t get out of it anymore. I’m going to have the picket fence and cook big Sunday dinners every week and have someone with a stable job and a few kids. It’ll all work out, even if deep down you know that’s not exactly what you wanted.

Not this way.

Four years is a long time to love someone.

~

~

Its really the smallest thing that lets Buck decide enough is enough.

He reasons that this is the one thing that shouldn’t be the last straw, but it is. He is done and over with it his relationship with Eddie be damned at this point.

Four years, they have been dating for four years and nothing has come out of they’re promises. The promises of marriage, more kids, more everything. There was always an excuse waiting for despite Buck co-parenting Chris, despite nothing holding them back, despite the raises they’d gotten.

And here Buck was, staring at the ceiling begging the tears not to come because they cannot come right now, please.

Its no ones fault really, they were both cranky when they woke up this morning and now things have escalated to this; to Buck staring at the ceiling on the couch trying to determine if his relationship with Eddie was salvageable. If he could still be the boyfriend Eddie wanted.

There’s really no one to blame except Buck can probably argue that he shouldn’t be upset over forgotten takeout on a busy weekend, except that he is because this is the third time he’s tried to get Eddie to pick up this particular takeout and he’s either forgotten, ignored, or decided on something else at the last minute.

So yeah, it kind of stings a bit.

Buck could probably blame Eddie, because Eddie always thinks his word trumps Buck’s most days than not. Its always been like that since they got together, somehow their friendship was a hell of a lot easier than whatever this has been for the past four years. Buck was too stubborn to admit that; the love and passion he felt towards Eddie burning everything out.

Apparently, him too in the process.

And now Chris is in his bedroom with instant noodles playing on Switch, while Eddie goes back out to get some form of food but it doesn’t matter because Eddie forgot, Buck had already placed the order and now that was money and food wasted since neither of them wanted to go back into the heart of the city for it.

Buck lets a few shaky tears role down his cheek and he thinks about the four years the have spent together. Of all the good times, of all the bad times that seem to stick out to him the most for whatever reason.

He can feel himself begin to spiral right when the front door slams open and the smell of pizza wafts in.

Pizza… again.

In the kitchen Buck tries to bring it up in the space between Christopher washing up and them falling into a movie.

“So, uh I’m a little upset that you didn’t get the food I asked for,” Buck says, keeping his voice low.

Eddie glances at him then the pizzas, “I got your favorite pizza, did they forget the extra mushrooms? Swear they should know our order by now.”

“No Eddie, I’m talking about the Poke bowls I’ve been trying to get you to pick up three times already, I told you before you got off shift that the order was paid for all you had to do was pick it up.”

“Hey don’t get mad at me, I was busy,” Eddie says coolly twisting open a beer. “I needed to get in a workout and then work ran over a bit, I just forgot about it okay! If you want, I’ll give you the money.”

“That’s not the point, Eds and you know it. This is the third time!”

“Its just food Buck, get over it.”

Chris walks in then, eyeing the pizza and his dads faces gouging the situation in the way he always has done. The kid knew far more of what went on than Buck and Eddie liked to admit.

“I’m not hungry, I’ll just get the popcorn ready.”

“Oh my god,” Eddie huffs turning to Buck. “So, no one wants pizza? Why did I get food then?”

They watch the movie in uneasy silence the only nice part that Eddie still strokes his fingers through Bucks hair, kisses his temple when getting fresh drinks and popcorn. Buck savors it even if there’s an emptiness creeping up on him, settling in unwanted.

Before bed he tries again, because Eddie has to understand.

“Eddie I’m not saying I’m mad, I’m saying I’m hurt and okay maybe its because of the food but also because you should be able to do this one thing for me and I’ve been feeling kinda depressed lately and anxious. The poke really meant something to me you know.”

Eddie spits out his tooth paste, wipes his face carefully on the towel and meets Buck’s gaze in the mirror. There’s a small maybe amused smile on his face and Buck thinks maybe he finally got through.

Eddie says, “I don’t know Buck, maybe you need to start going out for runs again. Or pick up another hobby.”

Buck stares at him, blinks twice and turns on his heel, heads to bed silently. Obviously, this was a waste of time tears prick at the back of his eyes as he slides under the covers and flicks off the lights.

“What, what did I do now?” Eddie snaps at him, getting under the covers.

“Nothing, just forget it.”

“Okay… love you.”

Buck turns his head, letting Eddie kiss the pillow instead. Petty, he knows but whatever.

“Fine be that way, night.”

~

~

Buck wakes up sometime in the middle of the night, his chest tight and heart racing. Sweat drips down his back, sheets sticking to him. He sits at the edge of the bed, torn between waking up Eddie or just moving to the couch. He drops his head in his hands and starts sucking in breaths slow and steady. He tries to think of easier times, when kisses came freely and the tightness in his chest came few and far between.

Eventually he calms down silence settling back into the night and he turns, looks at Eddie who still sleeps peacefully next to him unaware of the turmoil in Bucks head.

He traces his brows carefully, whispers “I love you,” so softly as to not disturb the night. This man next to him; the love of his life. How could he possibly let that go? In the moonlight everything seems calm and steady so unlike their relationship. In the moonlight its possible to forgive and forget and turn the other way for the sake of love.

So, he tries it again, “I love you.” He says a little louder.

It sounds hollow.

~

~

Four years.

You’d think you get to know most of a person in four years.

Apparently four years is nothing.

There’s a numbness in Buck’s chest as he sits in their bed looking at pictures of tonight. Of a party Buck had explicitly expressed Eddie not to go to for the sake of their own date night.

The numbness has been there a while now, making its home in his chest. It started three months ago on that night of forgotten takeout.

It sunk deeper still when Eddie had gotten upset over Buck deciding to study with Christopher for his Lieutenant exam, and stormed to the bedroom where he watched Netflix until three am not once talking to Buck for the entire weekend.

Which led to Buck not talking to Eddie for the rest of the week, a weird sense of anger in him as he tried to make sense of what he had done wrong only to come to the conclusion that he did nothing wrong. But the crack was still there, festering ugly and horrible.

They returned to an uneasy rapport because they had a son, they worked together for fucks sake.

A month later they officially made up after talking it out for hours on end.

It wasn’t always like this.

Except, maybe it was.

He won’t admit this under pain of death but Eddie left first. Their relationship was new and fascinating and everything they both wanted after two years of waiting and Buck was elated. High off happiness and would tell anyone who cared to listen long enough.

It should’ve been a warning then when Buck confided in Eddie about his worries about Maddie and her baby and his parents finally coming to LA and a whole mess of other problems that ended with him saying to Eddie as they clung together, “What if we just got married and left town, just I don’t know went somewhere new.”

And maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

But Eddie shouldn’t have gone to El Paso for a week without telling him. Without answering the phone, without even texting.

They almost broke up then and there. But for some reason they decided to move past it and to not bring it up ever again.

And there was the time Buck decided to work nights for a month. He though it’d be easier, he’d be there for Chris during the day and Eddie would be there at night. It was a good idea until Eddie kicked him out, said why bother living together if they never saw each other in and out of work. That, that was the worst to come back from.

Now a full two weeks after that long talk here Buck was swallowing down tears (he was always choking down tears nowadays) and sucking in a breath trying to grapple with both the angel and the devil whispering inane words at him.

Eddie was out on the town with his sister. Buck never really got invited to family affairs, from the start of their relationship it was a constant thorn in his side. Eddie was bar hopping with his sister getting more and more drunk with each snap they’d post. It wasn’t fair.

None of this was fair.

Buck was always good. Always responsible. He’d stepped up no questions asked from the get go, while him and Eddie were friends first. Raising Chris and putting aside whatever the hell else a twenty something single might want, he’d never regret it of course not, he loved Chris so much. He was loyal, he didn’t go out to bars anymore, never saw anyone outside the firehouse really.

What else did Eddie want? He had given his love and attention in spades, pushing aside old friends and sometimes even Maddie.

Maddie.

He hasn’t spoken to her in a while. Not since Christmas almost two years ago.

Maddie still sent a card. Like he used too, maybe it was time to cash that in.

Buck wipes away his tears, he was done feeling sorry for himself, for feeling absolutely wrecked over this one person who held his heart in his hands and didn’t even fucking care.

Eddie would claim he cared more than life itself but it was getting harder and harder with each week that passed and the distance wasn’t closing. A string pulled taut about to snap.

_Maybe it was because he didn’t_ —he doesn’t finish his thought instead pulls out his phone and thumbs to Maddie’s contact.

Buck made a decision. He’d go to Maddie’s tonight. 

~

~

The first thing Maddie does when the door opens is pull him into a hug, tight and strong and full of love that Buck almost breaks down. Almost.

Chimney has made himself unusually scarce but not before pulling him into a hug himself and letting Buck’s niece, Hanna, fawn over her uncle for a good thirty minutes before being pulled away for bedtime. It amazing to see how much she’s grown in two years.

It floors him how much she actually kind of look like Maddie. He teases Maddie though saying Hanna’s all Chimney making both parents laugh, cheeks heating up.

He was supposed to have his own kid by now, maybe one day he will.

And then there’s sibling time.

They settle on the couch with wine glasses pressed into their hands, and Buck evades the inevitable by talking about Maddie instead; catching up on their lives and current events. He asks about Hen and Bobby. Asks about Hanna and her milestones, talks about the struggles of parenthood.

Which is what ultimately brings them back to why they’re here. “Okay I think we’ve had enough,” Maddie says quietly, taking the wine bottle away from Buck. “I… I know you’re here for a reason Evan, its been two years and I’ve missed my baby brother. What’s actually going on?”

“Is it possible to not want what you thought you wanted in the first place?” He asks, swirling the remaining wine. He doesn’t meet her eyes because if he does, he’ll start crying, and then so will Maddie and then Chimney will come and then he’ll start crying with them—and no he so did not need that right now.

Maddie nods, placing her glass on the table in front of them. “I think so, we’re human we grow and want different things sometimes that we thought we’d never want.”

“But what if it was something you knew you would always want, but now you don’t know?”

Maddie sighs and leans back, thinking and Buck can feel his heart start to beat faster. “What’s going on with you and Eddie, Buck? I don’t see you for two years, which I get somewhat and also because maybe I was going through some things too, but what’s going on? Howie says you look sad at work lately.”

Buck sighs and digs his heels into the soft carpet, Maddie’s new house beautifully decorated and it makes him sad that he couldn’t be there for the house warming party. That’s what makes him spill everything, from the past wounds Maddie knew about to the fresh ones and finally his own guilt and doubts.

“Its awful, Maddie, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anything and I hate it, like Eddie could simply stop talking to me and I wouldn’t care at all. I thought this was what I wanted but how can I keep going knowing that it might never happen. Not with him?”

“You say you don’t care,” Maddie says slowly, “And I’m sorry, what’s been happening is not right, and a little concerning and we’re both very concerned for you. You say you don’t care and you don’t feel anything and maybe… just maybe Evan that’s an answer for you to look at.”

They sit in silence after, the truth weighing heavily on him and twisting his insides even as his mind starts to sort the pieces. Sorts through it all and leaves it for introspection in the harsh morning light.

Its then that Chimney bounds down the stairs and claps his hands, “Anyone want cake?”

Before he leaves back upstairs Chimney pulls him into a tight hug and whispers, “It was nice having you around again, I’ve missed you.”

At the end of the night Maddie whispers to him that he’s always welcomed to stay with them, that there is an extra bedroom to be put to use.

When he gets back home the lights are off, the house cold, shadows spilling down to his feet. Inside is worse, too quiet its unsettling, familiar scents gone and Buck hurries to the bedroom flipping on every light on the way. Eddie isn’t home yet, the bed still made crisp and neat and cold.

Its one in the morning and Buck slides into bed alone for the first time in a long time, a weight being lifted off his chest as he surrenders to the cold, uncaring night. Something shifts, the pillow has their lingering scent stuck on them, he feels it claw at his throat and he buries his face into the pillow.

He cries, unashamed and unabashed for the heartache he knows is coming.

There’s just one more thing he has to do first.

~

~

He needs to know he still has friends.

That he can do this, again.

Four years is a long time, and he’s burned many bridges to justify both his and Eddie’s actions over the years.

He knows he is not without fault here either, he knows that it’s a two-sided street after all. It’s just so entirely overwhelming and it feels like most of the scars on his heart come from Eddie. But he knows he’s given a few over the years too. They are passionate people that came together passionately. Loud and fierce, and hot headed.

They’ll go out the same too.

But still, its in the back of his mind. He wants a safety net, to know there are people out there that will support him and turn the other cheek one last time for him. He can’t do this is he doesn’t.

(He knows he can, he’s done time and time again when he was younger, but this time he’s in his thirties its harder to bounce back. It was hard to bounce back at 21 he doesn’t want to think about it at 32.)

He needs to find love in other places.

He talks to Josh first. Needs to know if he not actually losing it and there’s someone who will joke with him about something painfully serious. Buck expects nothing less from Josh.

“Men are everywhere Buck, believe me, and there’ll be a man or woman that will give you everything you want, when you ask. I know, I know you thought Eddie was the one. Hey we all did too for a while, but you cannot live like this either.

“But—”

“Drink more, this isn’t right and you know it. Listen to me, you’re my friend and I will support you with whatever you choose to do.”

“Thank you, Josh, really I think I know it has to happen. I’m just so over it already.”

Buck tries to keep his words light, tries to make the conversation less serious. Josh nods giving him a small sad smile. His eyes understanding and really its everything Buck needs to continue. Buck raises his beer and when Josh clinks his back the relief that floods him is enough to get him to crack his own smile.

Then he goes to Hen, privately.

“Buckaroo, hey come here. We’ve missed you so much,” Hen coos softly, no malice or judgement in her voice and it is frankly, everything.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore and I need you to give it to me straight; did I fuck up everything?” It tumbles out of him against his will, raw, loud, making Buck cringe away from Hen.

Hen gives a tight smile, looks over to the patio where Karen is watching over Denny and Nia playing. “Well I wouldn’t put it that way, but you left us all. You both did, we thought we were all family and then you guys shut us out so I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt.”

“I am sorry Hen, really,” Buck tries but Hen simply holds up a hand and shakes her head.

“I know. When I messed up I thought I couldn’t go to anyone either, but Athena was there to remind me I had people and maybe I should’ve done that with you.”

They sit in silence for what feels like a lifetime and Buck thinks maybe he burned this bridge too much right when Hen speaks softly, gripping his hand. “Whatever you decide let be because you know it’s the right thing for you first. I wish you and Eddie the best, in whatever you decide, and I’ll be there for you two after.”

Buck smiles at her tilting his head, “But you’ll be there for me more right?”

Hen rolls her eyes laughing and pulls him into a hug, “Oh Buck, of course.”

And if he stays for dinner then really, it’s the least he could do to bake cookies with the kids. The night turns cool, the needles on the clock ticking, and he feels that flicker of warmth in his chest like he used too; when he was baking with Chris and there was so much more yet to come.

When Nia puts her dough sticky hands on his cheeks and smiles brightly up at him, it’s okay that he tears up. Children are precious. He smiles back at her and ignores the cracking in his heart.

~

~

Finally, Bobby and Athena which is unfair and Buck knows it. But him and Bobby had the better relationship and they’re basically his parents— he needs to know they’ll welcome him back and keep him safe. Safe for when the lid blows off, safe for the fallout, safe for the healing.

“So, your saying, Eddie did all this and you never bothered to come to us about it,” Athena fumes, looking over at Bobby with a hard look in her eyes. Bobby sighs and turns to Buck, who had laid everything out quick and ugly and still full of something he doesn’t want to name right now.

“Buckley, if I knew this was going on, I could’ve referred you to a couple’s counselor. Why now, after all this time?”

“No this is something bigger,” Athena steps in, moving from her seat to sit right next to Buck. He holds his breath, waiting silently. “I’m sorry you’ve gotten hurt like this, its no way to be in a relationship.”

“It’s just that… I don’t know if I still lo—I obviously love Christopher so much, but everything else I just can’t. I won’t put up with it anymore,” Buck whispers. “I’ve done things too, its not all on him.”

“I understand, but you’re here alone and upset,” Bobby says gently. “If this is truly how your feeling, I am sorry but you have to decide what to do; we can’t do that for you.”

“Oh, Buckaroo, we wish we could protect all our kids from this hurt but it happens. But beautiful things can grow from, you’ve been sad for so long now and so unhappy for even longer.” Athena pulls him into a hug and Buck lets himself cry in her arms, feeling everything crash around him. There was no more making excuses, it was past what a therapist could fix anyway.

“I’ll miss them.”

“Of course you will baby, but you can be happy now.”

When he leaves, Bobby talks to him outside, the two of them staring up at the stars.

“I feel like I failed you, I should’ve noticed it at work,” Bobby says quietly. “You know, it will get better look at Athena and I.”

“I know Cap, its just… Eddie was it… _they were it—_ but now I feel—” He sucks in a breath unsure if should speak out into the universe.

Bobby nods placing a hand on his shoulder. “I know. You know I’ll have to be impartial about this at work, you two signed paperwork and I expect all parties to do what they need to so the fallout is minimal. Here though, you are always welcomed here.”

“Thank you, Bobby, I can’t promise for Eddie but uh, I think I might need to cash out all my time off.”

Bobby gives a small smile, “I’ll see what I can work out with the Chief so you don’t have to.”

~

~

In the end after two weeks of distance growing and his heart silently breaking; Buck has his answer. It’s a terrible, hurtful answer and something he thinks he might regret for all of five seconds but its better this way because the relief and warmth is so much better.

He has his safety net.

Friends and family to help him after it goes nuclear because it will.

Four years is a long time to love someone with your whole heart.

It took four long years of loving someone for Buck to love himself more.

It takes four more days for Eddie to notice something is wrong.

That they are heading to a place neither of them can come back from this time.

It takes forty minutes for Buck to break both their hearts.

He sits Eddie down, nervous his fingers _tap, tap, tapping_ on the cup of coffee in front of him. He doesn’t know how to do this, never had to do this in the past before. He focuses on Eddie making coffee because its midnight and just two hours before Eddie had been laughing bright and beautiful, and he had brought flowers for him.

_For me_ , Buck thinks bitterly ignoring the bouquet of carnations and tulips on the counter. Eddie had brought him flowers and was laughing, carelessly affectionate. Now here they were; a few moments away from all of it blowing up.

Eddie sits across from him and raises a brow taking a measured sip of coffee before speaking. “What did you want to talk about, because I got to tell you I made reservations for us at that Italian place you love I thought we’d make it a date night… something special, just the two of us for once.”

The way Eddie speaks, with hearts in his eyes, has Buck curious. The way Eddie can’t quite stop smiling makes his breath stop.

Hammer meet heart.

“Buck, what’s up you look like you just swallowed something sour.”

Buck finally meets Eddie’s gaze and the answer must be so blatantly written on his face because Eddie’s smile deepens turns into a frown, face paling and his eyes—his eyes turn from warmth to ice.

“I think,” Buck says softly, “it’s a little too late for that Eddie. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” He’d thought that the blow would land harsh and uncaring, he wasn’t expecting for soft words and tears.

“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? I thought we were a family?” Eddie says hotly, wiping at his own face and Buck refuses to look at him, knows he’ll cave but it’s gone past the point of no return.

“I can’t with the never listening to me, to not making time for me when I need you,” Buck says trying to get his own voice under control. “I am tired, so freaking tired and its eating me— eating both of us up. We’re not happy anymore—”

Eddie tries to speak but Buck hurries to speak over him, finally raising his voice. “You say we’re a family but where’s the proof? You leave me for your cousins and family all the time, and everything has just become too much Eddie, please, let it end.”

“What about Chris?” Eddie says quietly looking away from Buck, towards the hall to where Chris is hopefully sleeping.

“Believe me when I say I’ll be there for him, no matter what! I love that kid so much—”

“You just don’t love me then, that’s it.”

Buck stays silent, getting out of his chair and moving towards Eddie. He sighs, bends down because there’s still love in there somewhere and kisses Eddie’s temple softly. He doesn’t expect Eddie to sob, doesn’t move when Eddie reaches for his face and places a firm kiss to his lips.

“Stay, we can fix this. We can be better.” Eddie whispers and Buck shakes his head squeezing Eddie’s fingers as he slips them off his face.

“I can’t, we can’t. I am so sorry, so sorry.”

He walks out and to Christopher’s room where the kid is still sleeping, and Buck tiptoes in. He lets the tears fall for a moment before crouching down and kissing the boy’s forehead. “I love you, remember that. I’ll love you forever and I promise to be in your life if you want me too.”

Chris stirs and Buck waits a minute, lets Chris sit up and cling to him one last time even if the boy doesn’t really understand what’s going right at this moment.

The morning’s harsh reality will be something Buck can’t protect him from this time.

He’s halfway out the door with a backpack filled with belongings when Eddie comes stalking through and stands so close behind him Buck can feel his body heat pressing in.

“You walk out that door Evan, you can’t come back. Not this time, I won’t allow it.”

Buck swallows hard closing his eyes for ten… nine… eight—

He moves, hears the door click shut in finality.

_You can’t come back._

_You can’t come back._

_You can’t come back._

When he gets to Maddie’s, he crumbles into her’s and Chim’s arms sobbing, “I broke up with him, I broke his heart. I broke both their hearts.”

He falls asleep with his head in his sister’s lap like he used to as a child.

~

~

At work, everyone is silent.

Eddie slams his locker shut.

Buck dives into a burning building.

Anything to take the hurt away.

“I can’t believe you sometimes!” Eddie roars at him after dragging him away from the flames and he doesn’t know if its actually about the fire or about the breakup. Probably both he decides on.

“Eddie don’t.”

“No! I can’t—I don’t… fuck my family if that’s the problem, just come back home.”

“Eddie I can’t, I’m sorry,” Buck says letting Hen quietly place a bandage over his hand.

“Stop saying sorry!” Eddie cries out making the rest of the team look over at them. Its enough of a warning to get Eddie to stop talking, the love of his life wiping tears out of his eyes and only making it worse with the soot.

The love of his life, that’s what he’ll always be. It fits, Buck thinks.

Bobby walks up to then them jerks his thumb towards Chimney, “Eddie you’re with Chimney, get to the station and take the day off. Buckley go with Hen and the rest of us in the truck, your vacation got approved go ahead and take the rest of the day off.”

Its an out, and Buck isn’t ashamed to take it.

He leaves.

~

~

Buck takes some time off and travels for a little bit. Now he gets why Abby did it.

But he doesn’t have Abby’s money and eventually after a month he returns. With a tan and a new purpose, heartache still settling in him like an old friend.

Eddie snaps and yells at him that month after he comes back, from the littlest things to big fuck ups he does at work. Its annoying and well deserved but really the firehouse is no place to air out dirty laundry so Buck pushes and snaps back at him. Who gave him the right in the first place honestly?

If Buck didn’t know that was Eddie’s way of dealing with the hurt and the fallout he’d probably do something more stupid. But he doesn’t, because its Eddie.

Bobby eventually intervenes and basically tells them to put it aside and do their jobs or put in the transfer papers at the end of the week.

They argue.

They fight.

They both decide not to leave because it wouldn’t be fair to the 118 to get dragged in the mud because of them.

“I’m not transferring.”

“Neither am I.”

“This is all your fucking fault you know that?”

“Don’t start, not now.”

“So, if were both not transferring then stay out of my way.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, stay out of mine.” Buck says quietly, pushing off the lockers and brushing past Eddie. It still hurts. It will always hurt.

~

~

He doesn’t really see Christopher anymore. Its not his place anymore, he reasons, and its not like Eddie will allow that at this point anyway.

So it surprises him when Eddie gives him an hours warning that Chris demands a day together. Buck pulls it together in his bathroom, wiping the tears that won’t seem to stop off his face until the doorbell rings.

Eddie’s cold, jaw set harshly when he drops off Chris, who for the most part forgives Buck as much as he can.

That kid is too good for this world, Buck watches Eddie walk away his anger barely restrained. I love him too much.

~

~

They don’t talk not really not anymore. They still work together but not as in sync.

Buck manically thinks its hilarious, that its some alternate reality of what might have been if Eddie had decided Buck was a real douchebag that first day and not a friend in waiting. That this is what could’ve been the past seven years.

Except now its real life and Eddie won’t fucking give him the time of day and won’t listen to him on how to make quick work of this job they’re on.

Its hilarious, everyone should fucking laugh it up as they face off in their gear because the woman in the car died.

Buck turns away from him stripping out of turnout coat, tossing it to the ground. This was not happening not now.

They simply cease to talk to each other after that.

Its painfully raw, gut wrenching and they deal with it very differently

Buck doesn’t cry anymore but he spends more time with family and volunteers for new things. Try out all the things he didn’t get to in four years.

Eddie cries at first. Buck catches him sometimes in private moments he doesn’t mean to step on; in the showers or when Eddie thinks he’s alone in the lockers. 

Its fine they’re dealing.

Buck feels as though a piece of his heart is missing, his chest aches and aches with a hollowness that won’t go away. It’s a piece of his heart that he ripped out all on his own, however, there is no coming back from that. It eats at him in the darkest hours, as he lays in bed wide awake trying to feel something but can’t. He can’t, Eddie won’t; his heart learns to beat with a hole in his chest as time moves forward.

Because _ohmygosh_ , if he thinks about it any harder, he’ll break down and because he would rather live with that gaping hole in his chest if it means there’s a weight taken off his shoulder and the feelings he’d been forcing those last painful months are gone.

People fall in love so easily. Its easy to forget they can fall out of love so easily as well.

~

~

He can only guess at Eddie’s feelings, really. They aren’t privy to him anymore, and if Eddie had up walls when they first became friends and then transparent ones when they got together; holy shit Eddie has mile thick, nuclear proof walls up with barbed wire for good measure.

Its silent at the firehouse for the longest time but no one can say anything because they both do their jobs well, even while they’re both holding it together with spit and gum. There’s something impassable on Eddie’s face and Buck can feel himself reach for just a second, fingers burning white hot when Eddie sends a glare his way. A _‘don’t you, don’t you fucking dare’_ written on his features.

Eventually they come to a new normal, far from their old friendship and nothing like how they were when they were together. They talk easily about the lightest of topics and every now and then a joke will slip out, a full belly laughter at the dinner table from Eddie or a quickly placed hand on his shoulders will surprise him and the room falls hushed before Hen or Bobby power through not letting them sink into it.

Buck feels weird. He doesn’t know why and it confuses him into a painful anger. He feels hollow and uncertain and everything in between.

He sits with Chim and Maddie begging for them to show him Eddie’s social media since he’s been forcibly blocked since the breakup. They refuse most times but, in the quietness, where Buck can feel it on the tip of his tongue: he wants to say maybe it was a mistake, Maddie feeds the fire.

Shows him a snap of him relaxing with Chris, a picture with him out at a bar. The worst a non-captioned photo on Insta with a bouquet of roses and a bottle of wine.

Time moves on for Buck and he thinks maybe its time he follows it along.

Oh god he wants to laugh because he shouldn’t care so much, he doesn’t care most of the time, but its these rare fits of something he can’t quite name that he cares enough to let a few tears slip out. It burns something out of him and he’s left gasping at the edge of the bed, reaching for a person that’s not there anymore.

~

~

Logically he knows it wasn’t a mistake.

They were both unhappy at the end, despite Eddie’s protestations of the otherwise. But that was the risk Buck had taken, not really knowing. Knowing, that even if Eddie still loved him like he said he did it wasn’t enough.

It’s not enough sometimes, to just love someone.

Logically he knows he was burning out and quickly. The signs were all around him and he can’t really believe it was a damn little takeout mistake that drove him over the edge but here he is.

It’s not enough sometimes, when one falls out of love.

Because that’s what happened he can admit that. He fell out of love and it broke his heart in the process as well. Its okay that happened.

He says it out loud in his apartment for the first time and only time, a bitter taste in his mouth. “I didn’t love him anymore.”

The silence agrees with him.

When he doubts these truths all he has to do is look at Eddie in the station, with more muscle on him and a golden tan and giving shy open smiles to their friends.

It was better this way.

~

~

Chris is a dream, if Buck is being honest with himself. 

Chris still forces Eddie to let him see Buck every now and then, if force can really be what it’s called. Eddie will text, with barely enough time to send Buck into a spiral, and sure the texts are formal but the emojis hint at maybe something more civil; closer to friendship. Maybe, if Buck squints with an eye closed and his head tilted.

Nevertheless, Chris still stops by and Buck enjoys the time while he can. Sometimes his niece joins them and Buck’s heart aches at the possibilities of family and love and home; of something that had been so in reach but taken away. His grip will tighten on the plate in hand then Hanna will cry or Chris will demand food and the feeling passes and Buck clears his mind.

Eddie lingers sometimes, especially when he’s stressed. He doesn’t say anything just asks for coffee and sips at it quickly at Buck’s kitchen counter watching Chris read Hanna fairytales. He’ll get this distant look in his face, brows creasing together and chewing on his bottom lip, like maybe he thinks the same.

Like he wants to say something. But then he puts the mug down and whispers sorry to Buck before leaving.

It leaves Buck reeling and on edge for the rest of the weekend. Unsure of what to do.

So, he does nothing.

Lets Eddie stride into his apartment with a pinched look on his face and lets him duke it out with the coffee machine.

Smiles when Eddie drops off Chris and Eddie meets his gaze and smiles back.

Parrots back serious talks, and discussions about Chris and his antics when Eddie sends a text out of frustration before hastily saying sorry and then _…but if you don’t mind_.

Chris gets busier in school, of course he goes to high school next year, and the visits taper off for good.

It leaves a weird sensation in Buck’s chest. He hurts from not seeing Chris and not being there for him.

Yet, and yet; he feels like he can finally breathe. Put one foot in front of the other without worrying about being tugged back.

Maybe, just maybe he can put it all behind him.

~

~

Life moves on and its messy and heavy and everything Buck didn’t think his thirties were going to be because he had thought he had figured it all out in the nix of time. But alas, the clock keeps ticking and Buck feels himself heal. Sees Eddie heal.

Josh forces him out every other weekend on pain of kidnapping. Hen is there with babysitting offers and game nights. He looks forward to Sunday dinners with Bobby and Athena and BBQs with Maddie and Chimney. Eddie shows up less and less to these affairs, and silently he stops with the excuses.

Stops showing up all together.

Their paths diverge, its only natural.

Buck’s okay with it. Lets the string that bound, tangled, and tied them together finally fray, and with one harsh tug lets it snap; lets Eddie go.

And that’s that.

~

~

~

It’s the first time they have sat down together, in each other’s personal space, in a year and four months. They’ve taken different paths for a while now but fate has brought them together for this one night.

Or more like Chris has.

Its his 8th grade commencement ceremony and neither of them were missing it and its okay if they sit together, they can still be civil. They have been civil, but they also haven’t talked or seen each other in six long months.

“So uh, high school! That’s a big step,”

“I can’t believe he’ll be in high school soon.”

They say at the same time, both their eyes going wide.

They stare at each other seconds ticking on by, then minutes it feels like. Buck is the first one to smile, cheeks and ears heating up. He’s amused to see the tips of Eddie’s ears turning pink as well.

“For what it’s worth I’m proud of him, and you,” Buck says quietly.

“Don’t’ sell yourself short, you helped too.” Eddie says, turning his head away from Buck. Buck sighs moving to watch the short video playing up front. “But thank you.”

The silence plays on and Buck settles into it, knows that maybe this will be all he gets from Eddie in the end.

Eddie clears his throat, making Buck look at him. Finds Eddie studying him, for the first time in a year he can read Eddie’s thoughts again. Finds himself breathing a little harder.

“I know we didn’t end on the best of terms, but please hear me out.” Eddie says clasping his hands together. “And I know its been a while, but during all this time I’ve been thinking and searching, and god help me going to therapy.”

Buck snorts but waves away Eddie’s glare, “No no continue, I went back to therapy too.”

Eddie stays silent a few more heartbeats before reaching out a hand, letting it rest palm up between them. “Do you think, there could be one more chance for us… somewhere deep down? I lost you, and it very nearly killed me, but I can’t do this alone; I lost you and I’ve regretted it since you walked out the door. I should’ve listened to you, loved you more. I take the blame for all of this.”

“Hey, um, no don’t feel that way. I left Eddie, this is on me I wanted to walk out that door. It’s no one’s fault really,” Buck tries feeling his throat tighten. This was too much, too much for a middle school graduation. Holy shit, what a loaded conversation.

Its everything he doesn’t want. He put this behind him.

Its everything he wished Eddie had said.

Its everything he wants.

“I know, but I should’ve done better by you,” Eddie’s voice is shaky and Buck can feel something come undone.

“I should’ve done better by you as well,” he says softly.

They both get lost in their heads, Buck’s entire world view shifted and now he’s upside down trying to breathe in water. Is Eddie really asking for another chance? Does he even want that anymore, sure his dating life has been about exactly one stood date and one hookup but… _god_.

“Tomorrow, meet me for coffee? We can... we can talk about this better. I promise, we can just talk but you must know I would really like to try again. You’re still the one. You’ll always be the one for me.”

Buck sucks in a breath completely floored By Eddie.

Buck gently takes Eddie’s hand squeezing for a moment before letting go.

Its been a while but his heart still beats to Eddie’s tune when the stars align right, and maybe this time it’ll work out better, maybe it won’t. but one date won’t hurt, right? There are so many things to consider, to try and sort out because Buck thought he’d cut that string long ago. Maybe he’d forgotten to cut Chris’ string as well, not knowing (maybe knowing) that Eddie would be tangled in that string too.

His voice is stuck in his throat and over a year is a long time to reach out, to try again. To try and rebuild something burned down in hate, but then he remembers that it had been built with trust and love first; maybe those foundation were stronger.

Maybe a cup of coffee won’t hurt, if only for the sake of closure Buck reasons. Chris’ name is called and they both turn and clap and cheer and oh my god, there was that burning ache he hadn’t felt in such a long time.

He catches Eddie’s eye, lets something reach out drift out between them, questioning and uncertain if it’ll be slapped away. Even if Eddie was the one offering the olive branch. Sees Eddie doing the same.

Four years is a long time to love someone with your entire being.

Everyday people fell in and out of love, it was beyond them it was something long ancient. But a love that burns, and warms you up on even your worst day; a love that was greater than both of them that allowed for that red string to loosely wrap around their wrists again was worth noting and talking over about.

He forgets that they weren’t always full of fire and fury. There had been the calm, tenderness of true love. The two of them soft and honey sweet in the moonlight. A united force against the world.

Maybe this was all part of fate, to really show Buck what love was and how to pick yourself up from it. To learn from. He wouldn’t know of course unless he took the offer.

This was Eddie, the person who he had loved in various forms and stages for seven years. This was the person he had fallen out of love with in an almost painfully silent way.

Love came in many ways and forms and challenges. It came in waves; passionate and unbearable, relaxed and gentle, white hot and sticky, and most importantly: whenever it wanted to.

And it only took one minute and four seconds to decide if you wanted to bring that love back in your life.

**Author's Note:**

> again thank you to anyone who read this! 
> 
> I ramble on tumblr: 75-spiderlingheart


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